May 11, 2009

Anger Management




Husband to wife
: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?

Wife : I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband : How does that help?

Wife : I use your toothbrush .

(Sent by my friend from Egypt)

May 05, 2009

Laundry problem


Mrs. Thurston stormed into the A-1 Laundry and demanded to see the owner. Mr. Fulton appeared from behind a curtain.

"I'm the owner," he said. "Do you have a complaint?"

"A complaint?" echoed the upset customer. "
"
You have the nerve to call yourself an A-1 cleaner?"

She threw something accross the counter.  

"Just take a look at a sample of your work!"

Fulton picked up the object and studied it.
"Lady, there's not a thing wrong with this lace," he pronounced.

"Lace!" Mrs. Thurston screamed. 

"When I brought it in to be cleaned it was a sheet!"
(oh,ohh!)


 

Source:Leo Rosten, The Joys of Yinglish (McGraw-Hill)

March 28, 2009

Daddy's Calling





Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

Hi honey.
This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'


After a brief pause, Daddy says:

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause.

Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later...The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water. Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says,'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number.

(Source: Emailed to me by an Egyptian friend.)

March 26, 2009

Cholesterol Level



"Your cholesterol level is unbelievably high," a doctor told his patient during a physical examination.

"How bad is it?"

The doctor pointed out the window. "See that field of oats out there?"

"Yes?"

"Bon appetit!"


-Parker and Hart, North America Syndicate

March 19, 2009

Robot talk




"How's that book you're reading?" one robot asked to the other.

"Is it any good?"

"Naah. Just the usual," replied her companion. 

Boy loses girl. Boy builds girl."


Source: Louis Philips, Way Out! (Viking Kestrel)

February 28, 2009

Circus








Desperate for work a man went to the owner of a local circus and asked if there were many openings. The owner told him that he needed a high-wire act, but the job required walking without a net over the lion's pit while wearing a monkey suit.

In no position to quibble, the man took the job, put on the suit and climbed to the high wire amid the stunned gasps of the crowd.

Stepping gingerly on the thin cord, he began to shuffle his way across, but quickly lost his footing and tumbled into the lion's cage.

"Help!" the man screamed as the lion pounced on him.
"This beast is going to eat me!"

"Shut up!" the lion said angrily.
"You want to get us all fired?"

(Marlon Huerta, Reader's Digest)


February 19, 2009

Best suicide note ever written?









One man asked his friend: What is the best suicide note ever written?

His friend said, "What? That's ridiculous? How can a suicide note be written that way?

"Easy, my friend". Just write: 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

(He he he he! NO offense meant to married men. )

February 03, 2009

Addition











Peter's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics when she heard that they would make her look years younger. After applying the products, she asked her husband:

"Darling, tell me honestly. What age would you say I am?"

Looking her over carefully, Peter replied:

"Let me see. Judging by your skin, 20; your hair 18; and your figure, 25."

"Oh you flatterer, she gushed in delight."
"No wait, Peter replied. I have not added them up yet!"




(Source: Reader's Digest, Vol.81.No.482, May 2003 edition)

January 24, 2009

And then the fight started..



(The following jokes were sent by my friend, Greg, through e-mail. Thanks!)

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

***********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

***********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

*********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" (Probably referring to the mad cow disease.)

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

**********

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started...

January 14, 2009

Car Wash


A sign board in front of a car wash:


IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS, IT IS TIME YOU WASH YOUR CAR!

January 10, 2009

Control Yourself


A sign board posted in an air-conditioned hotel room:

If you want just warm air, then, simply control yourself. (he, he, he!)