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Anger Management

Husband to wife : When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?

Wife : I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband : How does that help?

Wife : I use your toothbrush .

(Sent by my friend from Egypt)

Laundry problem

Mrs. Thurston stormed into the A-1 Laundry and demanded to see the owner. Mr. Fulton appeared from behind a curtain.

"I'm the owner," he said. "Do you have a complaint?"

"A complaint?" echoed the upset customer. "
"
You have the nerve to call yourself an A-1 cleaner?"

She threw something accross the counter.

"Just take a look at a sample of your work!"

Fulton picked up the object and studied it.
"Lady, there's not a thing wrong with this lace," he pronounced.

"Lace!" Mrs. Thurston screamed.

"When I brought it in to be cleaned it was a sheet!"(oh,ohh!)



Source:Leo Rosten, The Joys of Yinglish (McGraw-Hill)

Daddy's Calling

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

Hi honey.This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says:

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause.

Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later...The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'


'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes …

Cholesterol Level

"Your cholesterol level is unbelievably high," a doctor told his patient during a physical examination.

"How bad is it?"

The doctor pointed out the window. "See that field of oats out there?"

"Yes?"

"Bon appetit!"


-Parker and Hart, North America Syndicate

Robot talk

"How's that book you're reading?" one robot asked to the other.

"Is it any good?"

"Naah. Just the usual," replied her companion. 

Boy loses girl. Boy builds girl."


Source: Louis Philips, Way Out! (Viking Kestrel)

Circus

Desperate for work a man went to the owner of a local circus and asked if there were many openings. The owner told him that he needed a high-wire act, but the job required walking without a net over the lion's pit while wearing a monkey suit.

In no position to quibble, the man took the job, put on the suit and climbed to the high wire amid the stunned gasps of the crowd.

Stepping gingerly on the thin cord, he began to shuffle his way across, but quickly lost his footing and tumbled into the lion's cage.

"Help!" the man screamed as the lion pounced on him.
"This beast is going to eat me!"

"Shut up!" the lion said angrily.
"You want to get us all fired?"
(Marlon Huerta, Reader's Digest)


Best suicide note ever written?

One man asked his friend: What is the best suicide note ever written?

His friend said, "What? That's ridiculous? How can a suicide note be written that way?

"Easy, my friend". Just write: 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
(He he he he! NO offense meant to married men. )

Addition

Peter's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics when she heard that they would make her look years younger. After applying the products, she asked her husband:

"Darling, tell me honestly. What age would you say I am?"

Looking her over carefully, Peter replied:

"Let me see. Judging by your skin, 20; your hair 18; and your figure, 25."

"Oh you flatterer, she gushed in delight.""No wait, Peter replied. I have not added them up yet!"




(Source: Reader's Digest, Vol.81.No.482, May 2003 edition)

And then the fight started..

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
***********


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

***********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

*********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I&#…